well.. it was a great sunday! very low key and full of grey’s anatomy..

it was raining all day with really strong winds so there’s nothing much to do aside from house chores..

grey’s anatomy was great.. finally a new episode after re-runs during the easter break.

the entire day was relaxing and full of love.

while ironing, the kids (including momo) one by one approached me asking how am i doing? i thought that’s very sweet.. but i know they just want to ask me something important.. dinner!
each one has set of questions.. how’s your back? or who’s winning with the ironing clothes today? (we have this game of who got the most clothes that i ironed wins and buys me something) or what time is grey’s anatomy? or is it going to rain tomorrow? or hope you’re feeling better now… (I was sick for 3 days with flu)… very sweet i reckon.

since the older one wasn’t able to ask about dinner.. he then sent the younger one..
the younger one asked pretty much the same question..
he sat next to me pretending to watch Ugly Betty and me ironing.

then came momo.. gave me flying kisses that i accepted with giggles.

no one is asking about dinner yet i know all of them want to know about it.

i couldn’t keep it any longer..
i casually said with a big smile as if i did some mischief.. “You know that Dinner is ready, it’s in the kitchen, chicken curry in coconut milk”

all of them hurried in the kitchen..
3 grown men all fighting for the best chicken piece.
my kitchen is not that big.. especially if you put 3 grown people in it..it’s a riot!

they are smiling and laughing trying to get in first..

then they all sat on table and ate while i just watched them.. having fun eating.

i ate too.. but i just have to feel the moment..

then hours later, a missed call from dobey..
you’re the sweetest dobey! hugs and kisses to you!
i told you, beautiful sunday… full of love.

for starters i love that show.. bert newton is something, isn’t he.. can’t get enough of the game, the show.. you just don’t want it to end.. (sometimes)

but if family feud is happening in your own family i am sure you want it to stop…immediately.

why family feud suck?

obviously, no one is going to win and everyone will get hurt, family will be divided.. the sad part is.. this is only one generation.. if it persists then you can say goodbye to a “hope” that future generations will be different..

then assumptions are endless and new ones are keep on coming up everyday. they did this, they did that.. they didn’t do that, they didn’t do this..

even if you wanted to defend or at least correct any assumptions, you can’t because once you say something then each of the words that came out of your mouth will be or can be used against you.. thus more assumptions will rise! and that’s not an assumption..

you can’t be in the middle either because you just can’t! there is no such thing as being in the middle i reckon. both sides will think that you’re favouring the other.. in the end if you really wanted to be in the middle.. you’ll be left without a family..

you can’t fix it! because it has to come from the source. and don’t even try fixing it.. because you won’t. you can only do much but peace should come the source of it all.. you can pray all you want but unless they step forward and decided to sort it out.. then might as well play the lottery and see if you’ll win…

also, remember that what you know is only what “they” want you to know.
chances are  you will only know one side of the story if you’re that controlled else if you’re granted a chance to know the other side of the story.. then consider yourself lucky..
knowledge is power.. what you don’t know should scare you… i read that somewhere..

you don’t want to dig deep on the issue as well because again, you can’t be in the middle and you can’t fix it. the more the you dig deep the more it gets complicated until nothing will make sense and then you’ll be reminded “you can’t fix it”

i reckon when both “mountains” decide to talk it through.. which i doubt will happen anytime sooner.. then maybe.. just maybe things will be sorted.

the misunderstanding has been left “unresolved” for far too long and as a result the pain and the troubles are now carved on a stone.

what you can do?

since you can’t fix it nor be in the be middle.. i reckon it’s best to:

• love all of them unconditionally
• do whatever you can to be of any help on anyone of them.. preferably avoid any finacial issue because money can sometimes be a trouble maker.
• be civil, don’t always slap them with the bad things they have caused you or anyone close to you.. remember that bad doings are often caused by a bad situation. and remember nobody’s perfect
• keep your mouth shut at the right time and at the right place. rule of the thumb “when you don’t have any good thing to say then don’t say anything at all”
  silence means peace.. and peace means happiness…
• and don’t forget to pray that someday this game will end, that they will realise the present will define the future and that life is too short to have all this fights to indulge in. it’s not worth it.

Remember.. your sole purpose in life is to WORSHIP God. Everything you do is for him.

for starters, truth hurts..
most “truth” you don’t want to know because it’s not what you want.

breaks your heart, makes you cry, makes you vomit, makes you anxious, makes you sad, makes you depress, makes you think bad things..

although, there are some truth that you are trully happy about. you’re proud of, you’re most likely to brag to everyone, you’re happy to admit to your family, you’re excited to share with your friends, makes you smile every second, makes you hope for a better future, helps you make a plan, makes you jump for joy!
that’s what kind of truth i want.
i want smile, happiness, contentment, joy.. in other words, all the good things that you can have.
now, how do you defy the bad truth… you pray..
and how do you acknowledge the good truth, you pray as well.

power of prayer is great!
some of my prayers weren’t really answered..

you don’t get what you want the minute that you prayed for it…
you’ll get it in God’s time and if God’s willing.
He knows whats best for you.

i had this prayer before, i asked God to give me someone who will love me for who i am, who will accept me for who i am. who will make me laugh, smile and cry. who will be honest and caring, who will enjoy spending time with my family, who will my mum and dad accept
and if we part ways, i don’t want it to be because of another woman (again).. but a “more” acceptable reason.

then i went on again, i prayed, i want my acceptable reasons to be death, sickness and family.

then i went on again, i said i take away family.. i prayed that they will accept me for who i am and where i am from and will appreciate the love i’m giving to their son.

you see, i made this prayer in 2004 december 31 (new year’s eve)

i met him the following year.

do you watch grey’s anatomy? there was line in one of the episodes where Meredith said “He’s got plans”.. of course that was referring to the Vet.. Mc Dreamy wouldn’t have that.. hehehe

you see in the story the Vet’s wife died and since then he stopped planning. he just tries to survive every single day and make the most out of it.
Although, when he met Meredith he sort of start having a plan.. and then became plans.. power of love eh..
i had a wonderful talk with my second dad last night.. i felt the deepest concern he’s got for me and i trully appreciate it.. i wanted to cry but my auntie was already crying…and besides new year’s resolution is try not to cry in front of someone.. hehehe

well, at first i felt i was being interrogated for a crime.. hehehe..
crime of love
serious questions about changes, plans and future
of course i answered them truthfully and honestly.. no bull..

i even used the Vet’s line to answer one of my uncle’s question
and surprisingly enough that’s how i exactly feel right now..

i told him “i don’t plan anymore”

you see 5 years from now is a very LOOOONG time.. like it’s a distant future. i can’t even think what or where i’ll be.. a lot can happen in between those times

i just try to survive each day from sunrise to sundown and think of the next day.. not two days ahead.. but just the next day.

you see i had so much plans before, for the future…
i gave up everything that i had back home for those plans..
i had to leave my friends, my special someone at that time, my family, my work just to come here and build a better future not for me but for the whole family.

and with just one incident everything changed.

it’s like my life has stepped on the breaks so bad that i had to leave skid marks for people to see.

and people are noticing everything that i do now or things that i decide to become. i guess that’s my skid marks.

i’ve been through a lot of changes lately, big ones, small ones, sad ones, happy ones…
it’s true change is inevitable..
but what you can do about it is look at the positive side of it..

now i believe that you shouldn’t deprive yourself of something/someone by worrying too much on the negative implications that it will bring.
sure everything has it pros and cons.. but would you hold yourself up from being happy because you’re scared of the cons? ish don’t think so.
life is too short, always chose the happy side..

but then of course you have to be cautious and smart..  it doesn’t mean that you give up, you leave, you runaway, you repel change

i realise now, life is not like that..
there shouldn’t be any room for resentment!

you have the choices, you have the power.. to make it better or to make it miserable.. it’s all up to you.

you see, mum told me to do whatever i want to do as long as i’m happy and i’m not hurting anyone and i am not taking anyone for granted

losing a mum would be one of the Biggest change you can ever go through and one of the hardest.. other changes are just a piece of cake.

if you’re in my place.. you’ll understand.
for now.. make the most out of your life..

plan if you want
prepare for the future if you could
embrace change positively if you can

you remember people and you wonder how they are now.

a dear friend of mine just gave the saddest news so far this year.

i have this thing where i tend to be oblivious of some things.. things that i should’ve asked other people first just get a little heads up.. just in case i say something stupid.

well, i guess i am stupid sometimes.

i caught up with this dear friend around june last year when she was pregnant, i would say 2nd trimester.

she was radiant and really happy.. happy to be pregnant finally.

haven’t caught up with her lately even on email.. i “assumed” that she’ll be on maternity leave over the holidays

so new year came.. i sent emails to all my friends.. she replied with the same greeting… “happy new year”

of course, my tiny brain told me.. “hey she was pregnant! ask what’s the baby.. girl or boy”
and so i did..

and she replied..

i had a boy and now he’s an angel.

so it was like a big bong in my tiny brain and a sharp knife in my heart…

HAD a boy and now he’s an angel.

i am not a mother yet but i felt her pain!. sadly enough, i read her email early morning…
so guess what’s my mood today?!

my friend was diagnosed with cholestasis and the baby was a stillborn. he was already dead when he came out.

with curiousity, i googled it…
it’s when your liver reduces bile flow and too much bile salts. it’s very harmful to babies and if it’s not treated early it will cause death.

sad news… sad news indeed.

all soul’s day

 is when we remember those who departed..

when we remember those who left us

it’s all soul’s day now at home.. and home is philippines.

for years we lit up candles for each family member who passed away..

over the years, it wasn’t a big thing for me.. i guess only for me.. why?

because i didn’t grieve at all and it made me wonder too

i knew they passed away and they are my family.. but their death didn’t hurt me

but i do miss them.. but their absence didn’t have that big impact in my life..

there was a time that i asked my mum how come i don’t feel sad and everyone else i know is crying

she said because i have moved on and i was too young to remember when they passed away… too young i thought..

this year for the first time i feel so much pain lighting up a candle

 and i have to lit up 11 candles and as soon as i lit the first one i burst into tears

so much pain.. so much pain indeed

each candle reminded me of them.. and one particular candle reminded me of her

and her candle is just something that i don’t want to blow off

i feel comfort looking at it.. lighting up the room

it feels like she’s around.. lighting up my life again… at least for one day

i miss her so much.

there is no day that i didn’t think about her

there is no moment that i didn’t wished for her

there is no tear that i didn’t cry for her

In loving memories of

Mum, Auntie Thelma, Uncle Romy, Kuya Jinggo, Lola Engay, Lolo Censcio, Lola Dorotea, Lolo Vicente and for the babies that my mum lost baby 1, baby 2 and baby 3.

everytime i call him he sound so sad
he always say that he’s ok and he’s doing fine
but being a daughter i can sense that he’s not.

because of this i tend not to call him rather i just email him or sms him.
i feel sad everytime i call him and he’s sad.
like all my efforts to move on whipped off just like that.
and as much as i wanted to cheer him up, i can do so much..
if he wants to be sad then he will be sad.

however today was different…
i felt a strong urge to call him..
as soon as he picked up, i can sense his smile..
he’s smiling..
he said he was just thinking about me..

we talked for a while, asked him how he’s doing today…

he gave me pieces of advice.. actually it ‘was’ mum’s pieces of advice to me..

teased him of being a copycat!

the conversation was full of smiles and he even laughed..
and that made me happy..

after that phonecall, i didn’t feel that i am fasting..

his voice made my day
his smile made it even better

if only i can hug him now…

i am still shock with disbelief..

this whole family war is crazy..
and to think that even the dead is included.

i am saddened by the fact that they don’t have any compassion for her..

i am weakened by the fact that they talk about her like that

i feel defenseless, i feel helpless
i am far away to defend her from their words..
but it’s only words.. i know her better and I KNOW THE TRUTH
i wanted to shout at them and make them realise that they are all bunch of cowards and hypocrites

i guess i am coward too because i use blog to air my feelings..
but i find this less “disrespecting”

i do respect them with all my heart.
they are my family.. my mum’s family.
i have good times with them, i have bad times with them

we share a name
we share grand parents, we share aunties and uncles, we share the same family friends
and i love them..

but this “war” has to end..
or at least leave my mother alone.
please leave my mother alone.

if you have nothing good to say about her then don’t say anything at all.
she’s gone, she can’t defend herself..

and just put this in your heart and mind..
SHE DIDN’T DESERVE HER DEATH, HER PAIN, HER SUFFERING!!!

She was strict, she said harsh words, she did harsh things..
You see It’s cruel to be kind. It’s her own way of protecting herself and letting you know that she cares and loves you all.

All of you hurt her.
All of you gave her sooo much stress
All of you gave her sooo much problems
Still at the end you blame her for the things that only resulted because of your own actions!
None of you even thank her for the sacrifices she’s done to you
None of you even apologise to her for the things you’ve done (considering you had all the time to call her)
None of you even call her at all to check up on her, ask her how’s she’s feeling or just basically how she’s doing

Your pride prevailed and still is prevailing

I don’t want any fights
i don’t want any walls between all of us

but please leave my mother alone.

You are responsible for your own actions. Don’t blame someone who tried to help you.

Let me just share something to all of you..
These are the exact words my mum told me before she died.. and this concerns you all

“Always remember, appreciate and be grateful for all the good things a person has done to you. Don’t dwell too much from what he/she has done wrong to you. Because at the end, only the good things matter”

This will be my final say about this.

I am not angry
My feelings towards you all have not change, you are still my mum’s family.. my family

As long as you leave my mother out, then you won’t hear from me at all.

I respect your feelings, i do.
Please respect her and respect me too. That’s the least you could do for me.

We just lost her and none of you can fill that void.

Please leave her in peace.

did i just tell you about the magic number?
so is 3 really a magic number?!

we have (again) lost another loved one.
third time this year.

First, when my mum passed away, everyone was shocked. “but she was the healthy one”
It took us and still is taking us ages to really be OK. but it has been only 2 months.
i am still saddened and this will never change.

Second time was a month after my mum’s death.
My auntie thelma passed away. She’s my mum’s eldest sister.
She didn’t have the luxury of wealth like my mum but she sure did was lucky in finding her true love.
She lost her first son years after she had her first grandson.
She then lived her life with her youngest son and her grandson.
She was their love and so are they to her.

And now for the third time, my uncle. who is my mum’s oldest brother.
he was the second father of the family
he was a great musician. when he holds his guitar and starts playing, he jsut mesmerizes the room and touch everyone’s emotions.

I don’t know how much more i can take, 3 in a row..

Now tell me, is 3 really the magic number?

2006 is defnitely not my year.

as i’ve mentioned before, if it’s harder for me it’s even harder for him.

it’s been 11 weeks now since she left us.
I still do have sad moments, i still cry over a picture of her or a letter from her or just seeing mother-daughter on the streets, i still cry. I know that i won’t have that bonding moment with my mum anymore and really kills me. But i have to accept that fact or else i will just torture myself.
Little by little i get by. i am getting used to it.

it is much easier now than it was before. time really does heal the wounds.. this is me..

however, talking to him last night.. his voice sounded like he hasn’t really moved on or hasn’t tried to move on.

i thought that he should be feeling much better now and has accepted what has happened.
but i was wrong. she really “was” his rock. without her, he don’t know what to do

his voice was shaking when i talked to him. was asking him how things and what he’s been up to.
he tried to be cheerful or _sound_ to be cheerful but he can’t fool me.

and for the first time i don’t know what to tell him to make everything better for him. all i did was listen to him and his stories.

whatever i say it won’t change how he feels and won’t be the thing that he needs to hear anyway.

he’s very lucky to be with his one true love. he always tell me before to look for a man who can accept you and will accept you for who you are and what you’re not.

when he found her it was the wrong time but it was the right love.
he waited until things are “OK”..
they started really rocky but keep on trying. marriage is never perfect, you have to work it out together. and that what they did, they worked it out Together.

i hope he’ll be OK… soon.
he’s all we’ve got left.