strong woman .. am i?

strong woman.. me?!

my mum was a strong woman. all these years she was trying to teach me to be strong just like her.

to be honest, i thought she’s failed in that. i don’t see myself as a strong woman. why? well in most of my growing years, it has been her who helped me make decisions. what i have now and where i am now.. is all because of the strong women in my family.

i remember one of aunties told me when i had my heart broken by a man (for the Nth time) ”be strong!” and i will just say “i will” without believing that i will and that i can.

now a lot of people are telling how strong woman i am. that i had this trait from my mum.

funny.. because all i can think of is.  me? strong?! call it low self esteem.. anything.. i *didnt” see myself as a strong woman.

then i realised, with all the things that happened to me.. i guess i am indeed a strong woman.

someone told me all this time i was showing my mum that i am strong. with the things i’ve done before.. she said it clearly showed that i am a strong woman.

i hope that mum knew that too. well, it’s because of her that i am strong.

i guess, now that she’s gone, i will be stronger..

i hope that in the matters of the heart i will be much stronger as well.

you see, i met this wonderful counsellor. she made me realised that in all my life i have been worrying about other people, like what they think, what they feel, their health, their future. all this time i put them before me. all this time it’s them first and what they want and what’s good for them. all this time i put myself in their shoes and think what’s good for them and not what’s good for me.

this time, she said it’s my time to be the “first”. think of what’s good for me, what i want.

i am lost without my mum.. still lost. now, i live by the moment, i don’t think in the future, which scares me coz i am the type of person that wants to be prepared and i want to know where i am going.

i miss her a lot. (here i go again, thank goodness you can’t see me.. such a cry baby)

i guess this time is my time. i deserve good things (right?!), everyone does.

so.. for those who said and believed that i am a strong woman.. i guess i am and still in a ”work in progess”

you don’t get strong in a snap.

i know i will be much stronger. someone told me “don’t underestimate a woman that’s hurt”.. i guess, no one should underestimate me then!

i will fight for what i want and i will fight FAIR! everyone should learn that word.. FAIR.

a *toast* to a new ME. (hopefully/puhon/hari-nawa/inshallah) 

~ by Sheryl on August 5, 2006.